You Can Sail the Seven Seas

Spurger High School down in Texas used to have a homecoming tradition called "TWIRP," which stands for "the woman is requested to pay." It was an especially enthusiastic form of role reversal where, for one day only, the boys dressed up like girls, and the girls dressed up like their dads.

Somehow, this got translated across all media today as "Cross-Dressing Day" (Ah, the influence of Fox News knows no limits; how gratifying is that?), and needless to say, it only took one town prig—a righteous woman who must be unimpeachable in her impartiality, because she doesn't even have children in the high school—to insinuate that this was tantamount to "celebrate fags and anal sex" day.

We were recently tempted to believe that the one great thing—perhaps the only great thing—about the Republican monopolization of government was that conservatives throughout the land would finally develop a sense of humor at tax-payers' (urban liberals) expense. But we don't really believe that anymore.

Back in Spurger, the school caved to the pressure of the self-righteous and the shrill. Their compromise? Today, Spurger students are encouraged to participate in "Camo day," where they may dress up like combat soldiers.

This is, of course, a brilliant move. Requesting camoflauge fatigues levels the playing field for both genders (we're all equal in death)—but only in certain branches of the military. After all, everyone knows what goes on "In the Navy." Where do you think the term "tailgunner" comes from anyway?—Jem Casey